Things we can agree on regarding feminism

Growing up Southern Baptist, “feminist” was a dirty word. Feminists were really “feminazis.” They burned bras, hated marriage and kids and disdained anything normally considered female (the color pink and … I don’t know … emotions?)

That view of feminism is still pretty common today, especially in the Evangelical church, but I found it interesting when I looked up feminism in Merriam-Webster, that this was the definition I found:

“the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities.”

I mean, I’m on board with that. It’s not my life’s mission or anything, but I believe that men and women should have equal opportunities. And my guess is that whether or not you consider yourself a “feminist,” you do too.

This has been a big topic within the church recently. Women who want to follow God are asking: Why can’t I use my God-given leadership skills within the church? Why am I considered selfish or catty or manipulative for wanting to use gifts and talents that God has given me?

And recently, in the secular realm, Sheryl Sandberg launched her “Ban Bossy” Campaign, which encourages individuals to stop calling females, especially young girls “bossy.”

I get it. I really do.

It’s irritating to be called pushy or manipulative or bossy for exercising leadership skills — especially when a man might be honored for exercising the same skills. It’s frustrating to feel limited by others and have non-Biblical traditions cited as a reason you can’t be treated or viewed equally.

Too often the Christian circle wants to talk about where we should land on the feminist spectrum. Around whether Jesus was a feminist or not and what those hard female Biblical passages mean.

These are fairly fruitless discussions because first of all, as we’ve established, “feminism” means vastly different things to different people. Many arguments about “feminism” really boil down to semantics and that’s a dumb argument to have.

It’s also fruitless because feminism is a secondary issue and worldviews and Biblical interpretations relating to feminism have always varied and will always vary. We’re never all going to agree, and both sides will use Biblical passages and logical and illogical arguments to defend their viewpoints.

We’ve spent so much time arguing about semantics and using the Bible to attack others and defend ourselves that we haven’t really learned how to discuss this all constructively or considered how Jesus would handle this situation.

So maybe the best question isn’t what word we pin to our vests, but what we plan to do with those beliefs.

I, for one, plan to put a stop to the pity parties — to the complaining, campaigning and crusading.

We love to think that being a Christian means demanding our rights, as though Jesus walked around demanding everyone agree He was God’s Son and that they treat Him as such. He was God’s Son, He told people so, He gave them the opportunity to treat Him as such, but He didn’t seem to vex Himself when people didn’t. He did what He came to do, He did so beautifully, and while He is the world’s most famous martyr, He never played the part.

I understand that, unlike Jesus, we’re not God, we don’t have complete wisdom, and our causes are not nearly as important as His was, but we have a lot to learn from His example in this area or any area where we may disagree with other Christians.

Speaking the truth is a good thing, that’s what Jesus did, but we all walk a fine line between speaking the truth and demanding our rights. Which is why I feel there are a few truths in the feminist discussion that we can all agree on, whether we self-identify as complementarian, egalitarian, or somewhere in the middle (which is where I always find myself).

When you speak, don’t shout

Do your thing, live your life, do what God has called you to do. And if someone challenges you or asks you about it, kindly explain what you believe.

Too often, someone with an agenda purposefully puts themselves in a controversial situation just to make a point. They ask for permission on what they know they’re called to do so that when it is refused, they can fight tooth and nail to make everyone else see their point of view.

Quit asking permission. Quit fighting. Quit making gender equality your life goal. Make doing what Jesus has called you to do your life goal. And whatever you do, do it humbly and do it well. More often than not, that will change more hearts than arguments will.

When you speak, do so with love

When we react with hateful and rude speech, not only are we flat-out refusing to follow Christ’s example and commands, but we are further perpetuating the stereotype that women are catty, emotional, and even, dare I say, bossy. Love is what changes things — acting and reacting in a graceful manner even towards those who share vastly different opinions.

That doesn’t mean pandering. Jesus was firm, He didn’t waver, but He was loving. And hopefully if there’s one thing that Christians can agree on, it’s love. God is love, after all.

When you speak, don’t force

Jesus didn’t feel the need to force His identity on people who were trying to kill Him, so why in the world do we think it’s right to force ours on people who simply disagree with us?

Some people have a Biblical conviction or a deeply embedded tradition about the role of women in the church/home that, right or wrong, is not going to change. Trying to drag those views out of them will do more harm than good.

So if that’s the case, let it go. It’s not our job to change minds and hearts.

And if you feel you can’t stay in your work/church/social environment because of its stance when it comes to feminism, it’s okay to leave. Better to leave than to stay just to cause controversy.

There are enough debates about this going on, and I think they will always be going on. I don’t want to add to the noise, I want to for once bring up something we can all agree on — that no matter what our views are on feminism or the role of women, there’s a constructive and Christ-honoring way to have these conversations.

What do you think? What are some other ways we can follow Christ’s example in this area?
—Erin

To the working and stay-at-home women alike … You’re doing just fine

Lately I’ve been reading authors and bloggers with different theological viewpoints than me. Some are far more conservative and some far more liberal. The other day, I realized that on one particular topic I had been reading, I had sheepishly stuck my toe over a line, only to stumble into a war-zone.

If you, like me, are a woman wanting to know and study the Bible, you’re likely to get bogged down in a Theology of Womanhood debate (i.e. “What is God’s plan for a woman?”) at some point.

There are two main streams in the Theology of Womanhood conversation. One has to do with a woman’s role in ministry (Should women have different roles in the church than men? Can women be pastors, teachers, etc?). But the one that affects almost every woman I know, and the one I want to concentrate on, is the stream that has to do with a woman’s role in the home.

Biblically, what’s the highest calling a woman can have? Should husband & wife share equally in the household chores? Should they share equally in the breadwinning? Should women be housewives or working women?

Over-confident answers to these questions are shot out like grenades over bookshelves and the blogosphere. I felt like I needed to catch my breath while I ran through the minefield and try to avoid a hit from the judgement that is buzzing by me from both sides.

I know for centuries it’s been the hip & cool thing to pick a side of one of these arguments and fight tooth & nail to define the exact role/responsibility of all womankind, but honestly I’m kind of done with it.

Mainly because I don’t believe that God has a cookie cutter plan for a Biblical woman, a Biblical man or a Biblical family.

And because I believe in prayer way more than I believe in my personal viewpoints.

Right? I know. Sorry if that was a Jesus-juker thing to say.

I guess my blog posts tend to have a formula where I take some hotly debated topic and say that there are opposing viewpoints that I’m fed up with. So I say, “Hey wait a second, why don’t we all just pray about this?!”

I don’t mean to be a formula writer, but until we all pray more and argue less I think we should try to share this crazy message of “actually pray about stuff before you form an opinion.”

I think the Bible has a lot to say on this subject, but I think it has fewer detailed rules and a lot more general principles about the heart than we tend to think. Here are a few things I think the Bible says with clarity on the subject:

1. Family and children are a blessing and not an inconvenience (Psalm 127)

Our culture views children as a hindrance to living the life you want, an inconvenient burden that holds you back from a career and a nightlife and spa days and sleeping in. I’m not a mother myself, but I think I can safely say that children tend to disrupt life as it was and I’m sure that’s a difficult adjustment to say the least. Some women can’t handle this inconvenience, so they find a daycare and try to find that “normal” life again. Some women can’t handle this inconvenience, so they stay at home and complain all the time. Even though both groups of women are doing drastically different things, they both demonstrate the “inconvenience” mindset.

But if you love your kids and husband and family and are doing whatever you are doing for their good and to honor God, I think you’re doing it right. If the motivation for whatever you’re doing is that your family is a blessing and not an inconvenience, I think you’re doing it right.

2. Biblically, God could call you to do a lot of things (Ecclesiastes 9:10; Colossians 3:17)

The minute  someone tells you that your worth as a woman, a person, and a Christian is inextricably wrapped up in what you DO (your ability to cook, clean, coupon, or your job and how much you make) there’s a problem.

As a Christian, man or woman, your worth is NOT tied up in what you do. Period.

The ultimate purpose of any Christian is to love God & love people. Do justly, love mercy, walk humbly with God. That’s what God is calling you to, and however He calls you to do it is a high and holy calling indeed.

The Bible describes all kinds of women who loved God and loved people by doing drastically different things. Rachel was a shepherdess; Shiphrah and Puah were cunning midwives; Deborah was a government & military leader; Ruth gleaned in the fields to provide food for herself and her mother-in-law; Huldah was a prophetess; the Proverbs 31 woman was an industrious homemaker, a clothing merchant and real estate investor.

Jesus’ mother Mary was a wife and mother; Anna served God and never left the temple complex; Martha was quite the homemaker; her sister Mary sat and listened to Jesus’ teachings; Tabitha was known for her good works, acts of charity and making clothes for the widows; Lydia was a cloth merchant, showed hospitality and helped lead the first church in Europe; Priscilla was a tent maker with her husband.

These women did vastly different things vocationally, personally, Spiritually, and ministerially, and yet God used them all. And if we listen to Him, and commit to love Him and love others, I think He’ll use us too. Not for our glory, but His.

3. God’s commands are good news for the low-income (Isaiah 61:1)

In the Bible, God is constantly making a way for low-income families to be provided for, be a normal part of society, and be close to Him. So I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that a teaching that puts a particular burden on, or ostracizes a low-income family is not from God.

Each family has a unique and special set of circumstances and depending on these circumstances, they will arrange the logistics of childcare, household maintenance, and bringing home the bacon differently.

I know moms who would like to go and work so their family would be better provided for, but the cost of paying for childcare would be too high. I know moms who would rather stay home with their kids, but their family needs the income and a relative is willing to watch their children for free. Both of these groups of mothers make sacrifices and both groups feel enough guilt without a new set of rules being placed upon them.

However you’re sacrificing for your family, by clipping coupons and making your own laundry detergent, or by working and providing financially in addition to all of the other ways you’re providing, your sacrifice and obedience to God is pretty Christ-like. For that, I think you’re awesome and worthy of commendation.

4. If someone is judging you, that is their problem and not yours (James 4:11-12)

To homemakers who look down their noses at the “selfish” women, who, for whatever reason, work outside the home:

To “liberated” women who look down their noses at the “simple” women who stay at home:

Enough already.

Even if we’re convinced down to the core that we’re right and that God supports us in our opinions, is it worth it to burn bridges with Christian sisters over an argument of secondary doctrine? Are we willing to put ourselves in the place of God because someone has a different view than us in this one area where Scripture is admittedly a little unclear?

If you feel that you are being judged or looked down upon because of your decisions, whatever they are, examine your motives. Pray about it. It’s always a good idea to examine our own motives. It’s hardly ever a good idea to let someone else do it for us. And when you examine your motives, if you find that you are obeying God and following Him, refuse to let anyone else make you feel guilty about your decisions.

I know I don’t have kids, and I haven’t even been married for two years, but, for what it’s worth, I think you’re awesome. I admire you. I think you’re that virtuous woman whose worth is more than rubies. Whatever you’re doing, if it’s because you’re following God, I think you’re probably doing just fine.

— Erin

Through the eyes of an old woman

The thing about being friends with an 86-year-old woman is that you talk about the past a lot.
Our conversations start simply enough, the weather, my week, her week, but somehow they inevitably follow the track of her mind as it wanders backwards through time. One thing reminds her of another and then we’re drifting from stories of her as a mother, dancing like a troll with her youngest daughter to In the Hall of the Mountain King, to stories of her as a child, reading novels in the yard with a pet hen. And she’ll tell me how her hen would coo and cluck beside her and eventually lull her to sleep under the shade of a tree.  And how once her mother had cooked that hen for dinner without knowing how upset the children would be, and her brother had cried and kicked his mother in the shin.

Its unlike any other relationship in my life, the rest being so fully focused on the here-and-now and the unfolding future.

With Miss C., we time travel, and I see the world through the bright blue, British eyes of a young Quaker girl who studied at respectable universities (I swear, she looked just like Jenny Lee), learned languages, traveled, married a handsome American man and raised three children. It is a world before iPhones and Internet, rich with fondly remembers music and art, a life of busy hands and unclouded thought.

But the thing that gets to me — the feeling that follows me as I walk out of her quiet nursing home apartment and into my buzzing, busy little life — is that her life viewed backwards seems clearer than mine going forwards. It seems cleaner somehow, more real. Her memories are shockingly tangible, sometimes more so than even my own.

I’ve never sat so quietly with my chicken that I might one day remember the sounds she made and how they calmed me – or at least, I never had before I imagined a little Quaker girl doing it 80 years ago. But now I can testify to the strangely sedative nature of their low squawks and clucks, feet scratching at the grass as they walk with proudly bobbing heads.

She isn’t like a mentor. We’ve never talked about spiritual things and I rarely share much about my life, but she is something. She is like a muse.

She is a reminder that life is palpable — it is capable of being handled, touched, perceived, experienced deeply and burned into memory.

She is an inspiration for the daily things, the simple things, to be heavy on the senses. These God-given, over-looked and under-stimulated receptors of life that are waiting to be impressed upon.

She makes me want to weave more tangible, timeless things into my days, so quickly becoming memories, because … why not?

Why not let the background music of Annika’s childhood be something classic like Peter and the Wolf? And why not sit for an extra moment in the chicken coop, just to be there? Why not sip tea and look out the window instead of checking my notifications on Facebook — again? Why not light candles at night and watch them cast a glow on the wall, maybe make some shadow puppets?

Why not slow down, pay attention to the details, and basically just dig my feet in deeply to these days?

Times are changing and things are done more quickly now, more thoughtlessly, with less time to attach ourselves to the memory of actually doing them.

It all whizzes by in a blur and at the end of the day I find myself wondering why time flies.

Her eyes at 86 are still bright blue — though one is clouded with glaucoma — framed with a fringe of girlish, gray bangs. She smiles when we walk in the room and invites me to sit, which I do, and we start to chat about nothing in particular. And always, always she wanders back. I let her go, trying to follow and not to lead, to wait as she chooses where to go and how long to stay there.

And her stories follow me as I leave. I find that I carry them with me, sometimes like memories of my own.

At home, I pour sugar into muffin batter, remembering how one time sugar was rationed during the war and children longed for these kinds of sweets. So I call Annika over and tell her lick her finger and stick it in the jar … we smile as we suck the sweet crystals off our fingertips.

I’ve got a bluesy jazz singer on Pandora and I tell Annika that the voice is kind of like sugar, too.

And I know that we are young, both of us, and very much alive. We have the luxury of life, this palpable and beautiful life, being ours to live and feel and remember.

It unfolds out before us like a giant mystery, and we move forward in it.

— Britney

Follow her @baretribe.blogspot.com

God, I don’t know how to be a good wife …

Being a “good wife” was never the end goal for me.

My friends and I would talk and they would say all they really wanted out of life was to be a wife and mother. I listened to them and I thought, “Yeah, kind of …” It faintly echoed a desire of mine, but somehow it just didn’t match up perfectly.

I wanted to be married and have kids, but being a wife and mother just came with that territory. I wanted to make someone’s life happy, but more-so I wanted someone else to make my life happy. I had other things on my horizon crowding marriage and motherhood to the sides.

I wanted to travel.

I wanted a career.

I wanted to love.

I wanted to change the world.

Being a “good wife” wasn’t just not the end goal; It wasn’t even on the agenda.

But somewhere along the way, something snapped.

Aaron and I started dating (again). We got engaged. We got married. And something just snapped.

A feeling was aroused in me I had never felt before. I didn’t just want to coexist in a living space, I wanted to make a home. I wanted the home to be joyful and happy and comfortable. I wanted it to be a place full of good memories and good food and good smells. A place where friends and acquaintances and strangers would feel welcome. That place you feel nostalgic for even though you’re not sure you’ve ever been there.

Much like a man can grow a desire to provide for and protect his family, all of a sudden I had this desire to provide. I wanted to provide a home. A haven where nothing ever seemed out of control. The desire hit me like a ton of bricks. It came out of nowhere.

I’m 23 years old. I’ve never been a wife before. Becoming a “good wife” (something that, in a lot of people’s minds is different from being a good person) is a new concept to me. I’m always trying to better myself as a person, but you don’t learn couponing and crock pot meals and checking accounts in Good Person 101. That all falls under the “good wife” category, I guess. And I have no idea what I’m doing.

So I became a part of the blogosphere. I tried to learn about being frugal and how not to waste anything and how to cook healthy, yet delicious, yet inexpensive meals. And there’s a blog for everything out there. And everyone out there is doing at least one thing perfectly, or so it seems. So my goal was to take all of those perfect attributes and cram them all into myself. If I could to that, I would become a perfect wife.

(I tried Pinterest because it teaches you quick tips and frugality and how to turn literal garbage into wall art. It actually helps you save time from looking at all those other blogs, so it’s even better. Because a good wife should manage her time wisely.)

But it turns out that the times I tried Pinterest, I ended up sobbing, engulfed in feelings of inadequacy. And it turns out that trying to be all those perfect bloggers rolled into one made me a fragile, insecure, stressed out nutcase. Because sometimes, I actually believe if someone is doing one thing better than me, they are a better person than me (as if I were to do them perfectly, it makes me better than them!). And seeing the things other people do overwhelms me with guilt. Because I’ll never be that kind of woman, that kind of wife.

The truth is … I don’t know how to be a good wife.

And the “good wife” in my head is nothing like the “good wife” my husband wants.

He wants someone who spends time with him rather than obsessing over how to save the half-gone bag of lettuce rotting in our fridge as I type.

He likes that I get lost in my writing, even if that means he cooks dinner.

He’d rather have a kind, peaceful, patient wife, than a wife who anticipates his every need and runs a perfect house.

He supports this blog. He supports the discipleship group and the Sunday School class I teach, even though they sometimes take away from the time I spend with him and the time I spend making our house a home.

His “haven” is different from the one I have in my mind. My “haven” usually turns out to be a prison — a museum with a schedule and perfect order where you can’t mess anything up. To him, happy, peaceful, not-stressed-out people make a happy home.

He has never put any “perfect wife” expectations on me. I have completely put them on myself.

And so I struggle with all these ideas of what I’m supposed to be like. What does society think? What does my husband think? What do I think? And what in the world does God think?

I really don’t know how to be a good wife by anyone’s definition. I am incapable of being perfect. I’m incapable of being “good”.  I’m also incapable of not stressing out when I’m not perfect or good. I don’t know how to be a good wife on my own. And out of this comes one of the most sincere and powerful prayers I’ve ever prayed:

God, I don’t know how to be a good wife. I don’t know how to be a good woman, or a good person, or a good Christian. I feel like I am screwing it all up. I am past the point of confused. I am seriously lost. I seriously have no idea what I’m doing. I need more than just a little boost to make it through the day. I’m past the point of needing a cheat sheet. I need a lifeline. I need You.

— Erin

P.S. If you really want some wisdom on the subject, read my mom’s response to this post.

*photo courtesy: britney @baretribeblog.blogspot.com

Compliment-taking 101

One of my college friends recently reminded me of our freshman days when I would give her Compliment-Taking Lessons. For some reason, my beautiful friend with an absolutely sparkling personality could not accept a compliment because it felt so untrue to her. It killed me to watch her refuse to see what other people saw in her. So I took it upon myself to train her through the rigorous process of compliment-taking academia.

You are reading the words of a recovering compliment-refuser. Taking compliments feels like the most awkward thing in the world to me. I often don’t feel like I deserve them, and if I do, I want to shrug it off, afraid that accepting praise makes me arrogant and refusing praise makes me humble.

But that’s just plain untrue.

Rejecting a compliment actually shows pride — low pride, the pride of: “Woe is me, I am so ugly, fat and untalented. It’s all about me and how awful I am.” On top of that, rejecting a compliment actually makes the compliment giver feel bad. I know you know this, because I know you’ve had someone refuse a compliment you tried to give them. Remember how that felt? That’s the feeling you create every time you say, “Nuh-uh! I look awful today!”

It hurts me to see beautiful, talented, wonderful girls and women refuse the words of affirmation they need. So I started this compliment-taking school with a few lessons that I have learned. My school is not accredited, has, like, two graduates, and about a million flunkies (compliment-taking is a hard subject), but I still think it’s pretty worthwhile. In this post, I provide you with my notes from  Compliment-Acceptance class/support group 101. So grab a chair, and say, “Hello, my name is ________, and I am a compliment-refuser.” Then, get ready to write these lessons on your beautiful little heart.

1. Acknowledge Someone Else’s Role

Especially God’s. Everything you have is from God anyway. I have a friend who is an excellent singer and she uses her voice to lift God up. Anytime you compliment her, tell her the song meant something to you, etc, she sincerely says “Praise God.” I try to do this in my writing and teaching. If I ever get a compliment, a word of affirmation, I always try to say “God really put that topic on my heart. So glad it meant something to you.” What could be better than that? What could be better than both of you realizing that God gets all the credit? I propose that nothing can.

Also, don’t be afraid to acknowledge another person’s role. If you are complimented on your looks, it is acceptable to say, “Thanks, you! ________ did my hair. Didn’t she do a great job?” You get the picture.

2. Make it Feel Comfortable

I, for one, cannot just take a compliment by saying thanks. It feels awkward. So find a way to accept a compliment with grace and a smile in a way that still feels comfortable to you. I often like to make these things light-hearted. I say “gee thanks!” or “O, stop!” or “You’re going to make me get a big head!” I think this is a win-win, because you’ve accepted the compliment and you’ve made someone else laugh, or at least smile.

3. Admit Your Own Insecurities

The other day, a friend of my Mom’s stopped me and said, “You are so beautiful. Let me just look at you a minute.” I had been fighting with the mirror that entire morning, so her compliment meant the world to me. Holding back tears I told her how much I needed to hear that. Admitting your insecurities does not mean you are downplaying what someone else said, it shows the compliment was needed, and it was good the person spoke up. It’s a reminder to all of us that we don’t have to be perfect all of the time, that even when we feel at our weakest and most vulnerable, beautiful things can still shine through.

4. Let the Person Know it Meant Something to You

This goes hand-in-hand with number three. Doesn’t it make you feel good to know you’ve made someone’s day? That what you said has made someone feel differently about themselves? Let people know when they have done that for you. You will both be encouraged and confident.

5. No Tag Backs

It’s just like a good, old-fashioned game of chase. When someone affirms you, don’t feel the need to shoot a compliment right back. As hard as they are to resist, tag-backs cheapen the compliment and make the original giver feel the returned compliment was insincere. Obviously, the tag-back cannot always be avoided (especially if you sincerely mean it!), but as a general rule, try to accept a compliment without feeling the need to return it.

While this lesson may not be easy or fool-proof, you, girlfriend, have been given the power to multiply confidence through the love of Christ. By accepting a compliment and not being afraid of your own amazing-ness, you have the power to make both yourself and the compliment-giver see that love.

You’ve gone through the class, you have the tools, now go use that power and make this professor proud!

– Erin

Making “it” holy

*Note from Whitney: This post is from our friend, Laura. Her desire is to give a new perspective on a sometimes confusing and misunderstood part of Scripture, and to share an interesting part of life for Jewish women. This post in no way demonizes sex while getting a visit from Aunt Flo, it’s purpose is to simply present a new way to view how God made our bodies.

 

Recreating Ritual and making IT holy

As I’ll talk about in another post, I’m from a line of strong German women. As an adult, I’ve been exploring my Jewish background and have learned so much that has colored my Christian perspective brightly! Some of these things I have put into practice because I find them very significant and so today I’m going to share a little Jewish history and culture with you.

 

The meaning of Shalom Bayit …

Most of us know that “shalom” means peace. Well, your “beth”, “beit” or “bayit” is your home. And as a single woman, wife or mother your responsibility includes maintaining your house as a place of “shalom”.

One way to do this is to practice laws of family purity. If you have happened to read Leviticus 15:19-24, I bet you said, “Eww, why is the bible talking about my period? And why does it make me unclean? I didn’t ask for it. Boys do way more unclean things than girls. This is unfair.”

 

Who are you calling unclean?

It’s weird. I’ll admit it. And there are all kinds of ways in Leviticus that males can become unclean as well, but today, I’m going to look at the modern tradition that developed out of this, and hopefully give you a new perspective.

Most of us get tired of dealing with “that time of the month”: feeling achy, craving bad foods, having to shoo away your husbands advances, feeling ugly when he recoils as he finds out why you’re denying him sex (or not!). It’s not fun. Sometimes, I do feel unclean.

Why would this be something God cared about enough to put into scripture?

In a culture where sex was often used in worship to pagan gods in all kinds of crazy ways, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob asked us to abstain. He asked us to wait until His approved time. He even wants our sex lives to be something that we check in with Him on.

And think about the science of it. If you start counting seven days from day one of your cycle, abstaining from marital relations, then bathe and … with a sense of anticipation … get it on with your husband, you know what you’re likely to do? Well, you’ll probably have more frequent sex than usual for the next few days. More so than if you were just having it consistently on and off all month (anticipation is a beautiful thing). You will probably also be ovulating over the next week or so. God is helping you get preggers! He wants you to have a big, happy family and this rule is to assist in that.

 

Crazy, right? So now what? 

Modern Jewish women have a whole routine where they go to a “mikvah” to dunk in a ritual bath at the end of their unclean days. They check their belly buttons for lint and floss their teeth, clip their nails and remove their nail polish. They want to be as clean and fresh as they day they were born. Then they immerse in a sort of mini swimming pool and emerge as if from a womb, ritually pure.

Do these waters really purify?

Well, no, it’s certainly not going to remove anyone’s sin, and skipping the Old Testament instructions about the mikvah isn’t going to add to your sins. But it is a beautiful picture of the peace and freshness that God wants to keep in your marriage.

A popular Jewish mikvah in the Boston area called “Mayyim Chayyim” (Living Waters).

 

Spa Night …

I don’t go to the mikvah here in NYC on a monthly basis. (Although I would love to! Some of the fancier ones are like spas. I went to one the day before my wedding and it was beautiful.) I do however count the seven days and bathe.

I think after the wear of cramps and bloating, God wants us to feel special. He wants us to have the opportunity to re-introduce ourselves to our husbands each month, with each new cycle of potential life. So I take a bubble bath and exfoliate. I say a prayer thanking God that he made me so wonderfully. That I have a healthy, functioning reproductive system. That I have a husband who loves me very much. That I have a God who cares about my purity and a Savior who has made me spiritually pure. And I slide myself under the water, feeling weightless.

I remember being a little girl, floating in the tub. As I emerge I usually hug my knees and soak in the moment. For just a bit, my bathtub has become my place of spiritual ritual and retreat. And I know, from this icky verse in Leviticus, my loving God cares about the peace of my union with my husband.

Do you love ritual and tradition? What kinds of rituals have you instituted in your family? Leave your comments below!

– Laura

 

Dear older, married woman,

*Note: This letter is not to any one person in particular. It also isn’t written to every older, married woman. It is simply an open letter expressing some things I’ve felt in my first year of marriage. If you’re newly married, I hope you can relate to this and realize how much we really do need the older generations of women. If you’re an older, married woman, I hope you’ll see this as an invitation to root for and team up with some younger women in your life.

Dear Older, Married Woman (OMW),

I try not to make complaining a habit of mine. Things annoy me more than they should, and I can’t help but get irritated even when I know it’s not rational. Whenever I feel this way, I try to go to the source and confront it before I let things grate, and build into a bigger issue.

OMW, I have been irritated for a while at something you do. But, instead of letting that irritation fester and blow up, I decided to come straight to you and let you know.  Well, not straight to you, since you’re not an actual person, but this blog is the biggest megaphone I have, and if you’re within earshot, I have something to say.

First of all, I love you.

You have been so great to me in the past few years of changes. When I graduated from college, you prayed for me as I found a job and moved to a new city. When I got engaged, you congratulated me. You oooed and ahhed over my ring. You said the nicest things about me and Aaron. You gave us wedding gifts and you tried to impart wisdom upon us in the early months of our marriage.

But I have a complaint. Or rather, a question.

Do you actually want my marriage to succeed?

You say, “of course I do, sweetie. I want only the best for you.”

But do you really?

I kind of feel like since the beginning you’ve been rooting for us to fail. Not go through a terrible divorce, but maybe just get a cold, hard dose of reality and live a hard life working through a boring, meaningless marriage.

Why?

Maybe so you could say, “I told you so.”

Why?

I really don’t know.

Maybe you feel a twinge of jealousy. Maybe you feel like I’ve been living in a dream world and never had to work at anything. Now that I’m married, you want me to fail so that you can feel like we’re equals, on the same level, struggling in our marriage, with our husbands — together.

Maybe you feel like my generation has stood on your shoulders, reaping the benefits from everything you’ve worked toward without putting much of the work in ourselves.

In a way, that’s true. We have. I know we have. I know that what I have now is due, in huge part, to everyone but me. The marriage advice I’ve gotten has come from a  generation that learned lessons the hard way. I have avoided some big mistakes and learned from the pain that you experienced first hand. I know I am at such an advantage now because of everything your generation has done and taught me.

I realize it’s my first year of marriage and I’m actually not dirt poor. I’m not even being sarcastic when I say it must be hard to see how we’re living and compare it to how you lived when you were first starting out. I’m sorry for that, but your generation taught me to work. It taught me to get a job. It taught me to put money into a savings account. The work your generation did allowed you to give money to my Alma Mater. That money came to me in scholarships so I wasn’t buried in debt when I graduated. The money you worked hard for bought wedding presents that completely stocked my house when I got married so I didn’t have to go out and buy everything with the money in my savings account that you taught me to start.

I realize I am standing on the shoulders of giants.

I won’t deny it. I also won’t apologize for it. I won’t forget to squeeze every ounce of life out of every opportunity I am given. I also won’t forget to work hard every day to create more opportunities — for myself and others.

I know you think I live in a dream world, but I don’t. I know you think I didn’t expect to have fights with my husband when we got married, but I did. We had fights three months into dating and have had fights on a regular basis ever since. You can never really be prepared, but I kind of knew what to expect. I didn’t go in blind and blissfully unaware, despite all those Disney movies I grew up with.

Certain types of difficulties were expected. Certain took me by surprise. Honestly, I haven’t really shared that with you for fear that instead of trying to help and offer wisdom, you will smugly say (or imply), “I told you so,” as if when I was single I refused to believe marriage was anything but a cakewalk. But I’ve never thought marriage was a cakewalk. I never thought it would solve all of my problems.

You’ve said this is life. You’ve said I wasn’t prepared. You’ve said loud and clear, “Welcome to the real world!”

But I was in the real world before I got married. The trails and struggles my generation faces may not look the same as the ones you faced, but they are there nonetheless.

I’m happy now. I am really happy with the whole husband and marriage thing. And before anyone accuses me of just being that way because I’m “still on my honeymoon,” I’ll tell you I’m also going through the painful process of learning. Learning how to relate to my husband, how to stop arguments, how to hear what he’s saying, how to compromise.

I want to be able to talk about all of this with you. I’d love your advice. I’d love to know how to navigate all this new stuff. But I can’t ask for your help if all I ever am when I’m around you is self-conscious. I can’t get your help if I live in fear that you’re going to throw accusations of living in a dream world at me. I can’t get help from someone who is always saying, “Welcome to the real world,” and, “Oh, you two are still on your honeymoon.”

The point, OMW, is that I need you. There are a lot of us out there that need you. But the last thing we need is more hard reality. The last thing we need is to be told that, in addition to everything else we feel we’re doing wrong, we are actually just living in a dream world.

So, this is the most honest I’ve ever been with you. Can you take it and see my heart and be okay with me again? Can we be friends and not competitors?

We really do need each other.

— Love, Erin

When faith and hormones collide

I should start off by saying that it’s not easy for me to be this vulnerable, this honest, but I know I’m not the only one who has gone through this. I hope that my story will encourage you.

Sometimes, I feel like a refugee, who left my home in the midst of turmoil, only to come back and find it burned to the ground, in the middle of a war zone. My heart and mind resemble that home right now. I didn’t truly believe that my mind and emotions were a battlefield until I let my guard down and was shocked at the results.

We’re all girls here, right? So I can be honest about my issues with … the pill? I was on three different birth control pills between the ages of 16 and 18 and I can truly say that every single one turned me into a monster. They weren’t for contraception, so it was easy enough for me to opt out of them after awhile when I saw the side effects. Before I got married, however, I told myself I was just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. I thought I had to be on some kind of hormonal birth control so I decided I’d put mind over matter. Eleven months, three doctors visits, two types of pills and an untold number of tears later, matter had won out. I fought with my body and I lost.

The medical world clashed with my emotional world; the pill severely altered my mood. Truth be told, it sent me spiraling down until I was caught in a continual state of discouragement and depression. I was in a weakened, vulnerable and emotional state and the enemy took full opportunity of this and further filled my head with lies about myself, about my husband, about God and about who I would become. At this point, I was in survival mode. I was just trying to make it through the day and I did not have the extra strength to fight these lies and defend my heart and mind. Whatever thought entered, I let it stay there; I figured I’d deal with it later. For now, I thought, I just need to get through this with as little pain as possible.

So my life looked a little something like this (maybe you can relate): While we were eating dinner, my husband would say “I really liked what you cooked last night.” The thought would enter my head “Is he saying he doesn’t like what I cooked tonight?” I would let this thought run wild, I would think of other examples of times when he had done something similar. Anger, discouragement, resentment and feelings of failure would fill me. I started thinking, “He never really has appreciated me.”

From then on, my goal was not to capture these thoughts, but to conceal my anger and self-consciousness and keep from crying at dinner. I usually lost this battle and broke down before the night was over.

This may seem like the satirized marriage relationship in a sitcom, but it was honestly my life (and my poor husband’s life) for a while. Because of a simple dosage of synthetic hormones, I could not control my thoughts and emotions, so I stopped trying to sift through them.

I’m so glad this period of my life didn’t last long. In time, I got off that medicine and the dim fog of depression finally started to lift. But I found my mind a very different place than it had been. I had checked out, ignoring my thoughts, not discerning them for truth, but leaving them in charge of my behavior. Even after my medical issues began to improve, I found that those thoughts that I had let creep in months ago still ruled me. At the slightest provocation feelings of failure would engulf me. If I was ever alone, I would hear “no one loves you” being whispered into my head. Negativity and self-consciousness now dominated me.

During this time I found the words of Proverbs 4:23 to be true “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”  Everything I do flows from what I let into my heart. This is where I got hung up for a while and where I think a lot of other people do too. Thoughts pop into our heads all the time and we can’t necessarily control them. We feel unpleasant emotions like anger, sadness and discouragement that we can’t always reign in. When medical or hormonal issues come into play, these thoughts and emotions are heightened and even more uncontrollable. They will knock on our door unexpectedly, but that doesn’t mean we have to invite them in and let them stay in the guest bedroom in our hearts. When we give validity to these thoughts and emotions, meditating on them and believing them to be true, they almost always become actions and habits that are hard to kick even when the original issue (for me, the birth control pill) is out of the picture.

We must discern our thoughts, good from bad, true from the untrue and constructive from destructive and give those bad, untrue, destructive thoughts over to God before they wreak havoc on our hearts and minds. This is not easy to do when you’re going through the day just trying not to burst into tears in public. Trust me, I get it. I’ve already shared that I failed in this area. I didn’t ever give any of them over to God. I let each and every thought go wild because, at the end of every day, I was at the end of my rope and that was all I ever saw. I relied on my own strength and never asked God for His. I fought with my body. I tried to put my mind over matter. I failed. But I forgot that “Yahweh is the everlasting God, the Creator of the whole earth. He never grows faint or weary; there is no limit to His understanding. He gives strength to the weary and strengthens the powerless.” — Isaiah 40:28-29

As humans, we will almost all deal with stress, anxiety and depression, but as women, we have PMS, pregnancy, birth control pills and other hormone related joys tacked on throughout our lives. We cannot always be strong. Sometimes, matter will win out over mind. Sometimes, we’ll fight with our bodies and lose. But I can honestly say that God has always been strong for me. He has always helped me to weed out lies. He has always spoken truth into my heart and made it grow until I believed it. If you are going though a hard time — discouraged, depressed, hormonal, I have good news for you: there is nothing wrong with you. If you are sick of trite advice and one-liners from well-wishers and just want to work through everything in peace, I have more good news: there is no quick fix. It just takes time. Whatever you do, do not let your feelings dictate your actions and beliefs while you’re waiting. Trust God and ask Him to help guard your heart in this difficult time. You may find that when the dust has settled, your heart and mind is as beautiful a place as it’s ever been.

-Erin

 

P.S. For more info about the world of non-hormonal birth control, check out another post of mine here

Why the Proverbs 31 woman is not the “Proverbs 31 woman”

I think I am safe in saying that there is not one Biblical woman in this day and age who has caused more controversy than the Proverbs 31 woman. Surely if she were here to see this, she would strongly object. If I truly know this woman (and I don’t), I think she would be embarrassed about all the attention she’s getting. And why her? I mean there are female prostitutes, murderers and deceivers found in the pages of Scripture and it seems like this woman is the only one being both criticized and praised.

If you’re not well acquainted with the Proverbs 31 woman, I invite you to read about her now, just so you have a better understanding of who she is.  Let’s face it, she is an awesome woman. Because of this, she is taught as the standard for most youth group girls today. She is, at first glance, that perfect woman, perfect wife and perfect mommy that everyone loves. If she were around today she would have A+ kids, that husband that everyone knows and respects, and a perfect (but understated) home; she would run a successful Avon business and make cookies that were to die for. She would be that woman  you want to hate, but you just can’t because she’s too darn nice.

She is however, unintentionally divisive. Some say, “She is so virtuous. Look how she cares for her family. Look at the hard work she does. Look at how she handles business and manages her household with such grace. Look how kind she is. We would all do well to learn from this amazing woman.”

Others say, “This woman is too busy. No way she can do all that! Her lamp never goes out? I’d like to know when she sleeps! How can she truly care for her family when she is so busy, focused on external affairs, stressed and sleep deprived?”

One thing is  sure, like her or not, this lady is compelling. I have been on both sides of the camp. At times I have wanted to follow in her footsteps. At times, I have wanted to sneak into her workroom (decorated with cutesy ideas from Pinterest) and mess up all her perfect little piles of wool and flax.

At times I have prayed that I would become like her. At times, I have wanted to find her recipe box and add “1 cup of salt and vinegar eggplants” to the ingredient section of all her recipes. That would show her. That would pay her back for setting a bar that no woman has been able to reach for 3,000 years.

And I think of how others hold me to her standard. I have been told to emulate this woman since I was 13 years old! Anyone else feel like they can’t handle the pressure?

So I loved her, I hated her, I studied her, I questioned, I wondered and then I realized something. Look at this woman’s first name. Proverbs. She is straight out of the book of Proverbs, the book of wise sayings and practical advice, not concrete people, places and things. Now look at verse one of Proverbs 31 and look who wrote it. Yep, a momma. King Lemuel’s momma to be exact. Lemuel is not mentioned anywhere else in the Bible, so many believe it is actually another name for King Solomon (which would make the writer of this Proverb Bathsheba … interesting). Whoever Lemuel and his mom are, the point is that this is a mom telling her son the kind of women that are worth chasing — loving, hard-working, on-top-of-it, sacrificial and smart as a whip. What good momma isn’t going to tell her son to chase a woman like that?

But what that means is, like it or not, the Proverbs 31 woman is not actually a real woman. She is a collection of character traits that are good to find in a woman. So go ahead and criticize her, she doesn’t care because she doesn’t exist. Praise and applaud her efforts. She’s not there to receive them. If you feel like she has teased you by setting the bar inexplicably high, she hasn’t, because she is not real. So is there anything to  learn from this woman after all?

You bet.

If someone were to ask me to describe my husband, I would say that he is smart, funny, kind, hard-working, loving and a talented musician. I would say that he likes playing the guitar, hammocking, fishing and watching movies. Does that mean he is all of these characteristics, doing all of these things, at the same time? Is he a man who goes fishing from his hammock while keeping the crowds in stitches with his humor and in awe of his intellect, while watching Star Wars? Not quite. He doesn’t even usually do all of these activities in one day, but these are things that describe his personality, character and things he likes.

I imagine the Proverbs 31 woman, if she were real, wouldn’t live out a Proverbs 31 type day. She would probably manage her business some one day, then catch up on her housework the next day. I’ll bet on Sunday she would rest, worship her Creator and enjoy some time with her wonderful family. She might pull an all-nighter every once in a while for the sake of her family, but if she’s as kind as she supposedly is, you know that girl has to get some sleep!

So I’ve come full circle to say this: we should be developing the qualities we see in Proverbs 31 — a love of family, of God, of life, a hard-working attitude, a sense of readiness and respectability. But we don’t have to stress out about being everything Proverbs 31 describes all the time. I believe if you are seeking God, He will develop these qualities in you. After all, it is “God who is working in you, enabling you both to desire and to work out His good purpose.”

You don’t have to do it all on your own strength. Stop living under the shadow of this personification of good character traits. Start following Jesus and let Him work in you.

I think if the Proverbs 31 woman were real and still around today, she wouldn’t try to fill you with guilt. She wouldn’t be the perfect Pinterest mommy and she wouldn’t look at you with disdain when you fail to measure up. I think she would look at the mother of the two preschoolers who is fighting to keep control and say, ‘You’re doing just fine.’ I think she would look at that single gal who’s waiting for Mr. 31 and say, ‘It’s worth the wait. There’s nothing wrong with you.’ I think she would look at the new wife who is trying to make just one dinner that is somewhat edible and say, ‘Don’t worry. You’ll get it. Oh, and by the way, you’re water’s boiling.’

Why do I think she’d be like that? Because we all know that, although fictional, she is a kind woman.

—Erin