Glaring me in the face was the realization that, every time God pulls me out of a certain type of sin, I fall headlong into it again, just a few days later.
I was so discouraged. Driving, thinking about how God puts up with my mess, I just started to cry. It’s so difficult to think about how I keep messing up what I feel like He’s working so hard to accomplish in me.
I’m so prone to seeing Him work and then saying, “Okay, God. I got this,” and taking the reigns away from Him, trying to do it on my own.
I have all this baggage and God’s not asking me to do anything. Just give it to Him and wait. I can do nothing, and He’s not asking me to.
I feel as though I’m just sitting over here in my armor on the curb, waiting for God to give me instructions. It seems like it should be such a restful place to be. But for me, a control-freak, it’s terrible.
I feel super inadequate, struggle against disquieting thoughts about myself, and question God’s presence. It seems like time is running out for my problems to be fixed and, even though I know God works everything out with perfect timing, I just can’t stand the waiting.
If I were truly honest, I’d have to say in moments like this I want to yell at God to hurry up and give me exactly what I think I need. I want to question whether or not He sees the squirming I’m doing and the discomfort I’m in. And then I get resentful that He put me there. Why on earth does He let me sit and squirm?
And then reality hits again and I know how completely off-beat I am. I’ve gotten out of sync and am struggling to keep up with the ridiculous pace I’ve set.
I know in situations like this, He’s usually growing me more and more and weaning me off my addiction to my own way. And even though it takes me what seems like forever to realize His grace in the situation, it’s so relieving when I get it.
Today was a realization day, and there’s so much more rest in that.
“And my God will supply all of your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:19 – A reminder from Paul that, just as God had supplied for all of his needs, so also would God provide for the Philippians.
“Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.” 2 Thes. 3:16 – A prayer from Paul for his brothers and sisters in Thessalonica for peace.
“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” Rom. 8:31
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