I’m in an empty place, now.
I’m living in the void
between here and there
between this place, and the next.
I’m a paradox; an abnormality; a wrongdoing; a lonely soul.
Lonely soul, lonely soul.
Soulmate sleeps besides me, and I’m a lonely soul.
I search and desire and hope.
I live in a dream world.
I used to live in a full place
Teeming with busy-ness, with business
Layers of emotion and experience and real life
And souls. Many, many souls.
I liked it there. I liked the energy
I liked my role
Yet I yearned for the quiet.
I yearned for the empty
I craved peace.
But this is not peace.
My own mind is torment.
In the full place, thoughts were diluted
Masked in the shadows of movement
Lost to the real life, to what should be.
But here … here, I’m exposed
Wrought with guilt, with shame, with worthlessness
I’m in a despairing quiet.
I’m in a lonely quiet
And I cannot leave.
What will become of me?
Will I wallow here, in the glaring brightness of my true character?
Or submerge myself again to the full life
To the warm life.
I’m cold here.
I hope for strength, for comfort.
I hope to feel included and encouraged.
I just want to be held
Held in an embrace deeper than a hug.
An embrace of community.
Where did I lose my footing?
I know this place — this abyss
I’ve been here before,
I’ve strayed onto this path before.
I don’t like the me I discover here.
I lurk, I hide, I cover, I fade
I fade in this place.
Rawness, realness fades away
Like pennies dropped into deep, dark waters.
And I am only a body.
But this body can see – can hear
And I will speak
If every fiber of my being fights me
I will speak.
I will scream Help me! Have mercy on me!
I’ve fallen again
I can’t do this on my own.
I can’t reach up, on my own.
Not without You.
My Friend, my Encourager.
You lift me up — you have before
I know I will conquer this
Just as you conquered.
For if you’ve faced all I have, I do, I will
Why can’t I?
There is no other I can rest in, in fullness.
You bring breath to my lungs
Fresh, fresh breath.
Don’t leave me.
I call to you and I push you away
All at once
But please, please don’t.
I need you, God.
I am on my knees
And my soul aches
And my skin shudders with fear.
I need you, God.
I need your embrace …
I need your Love.
You’ve covered me in Love
You’ve enveloped me in a mercy that never fails
Even when I do,
Even when I allow the shadowy places to seep into the place between us.
I know what it is: it is depression,
It is fear and insecurity and a tearing of the soul
A wicked ploy of my own humanity
To draw me away from You.
And I am indignant; I am powerfully opposed to this act of war.
I push back — I am a child of God!
I am a godly woman in the sight of the Almighty!
How dare sin wage battle within me?
I speak with more than zeal; I speak with power
True power from a true source: from Truth.
I am a sinner and I am imperfect and I am full of holes and cracks and pockets of what I was
What I might have been
What I am today…
But I cannot be shamed in the presence of God.
I am accepted.
I am adored,
I am held tightly by all that is safe.
I am beauty
Because I was made with beauty
And I was shaped by beautiful hands.
I am the essence and breath —
Full, deep breaths —
Of the most fulfilling of ambitions one could ever have.
I am saved.
And so long as I can look up
So long as I can see the glimmer, of hope and strength
I will push against this void,
I will fight for freedom.
There is none other than my God
And no other brings me to this place of turnaround, of true peace
Time after time.
I can do this; I can rise up
And I will go again to the full place
Of true fulfillment. Of love.
*photo credit: Britney @baretribe.blogspot.com