when my heart isn't in it picture

I’m having one of those days.  Those days where nothing circumstantial is going wrong but my mind is all wrong.  My schedule is packed today and I don’t want to do any of it.  I don’t want to work or run five miles or go to church or cook dinner or do laundry. Really, it’s been like that all week.  Have you had those days or weeks or months?  Surely, I’m not the only one.

I sit here at my desk.  It’s quiet — students are at music class.

And I pray. 

Just pray. Cause that’s all I know to do. 

I read about Jesus, and how he saved the world.  And I wonder, With the big job of saving the world, does Jesus understand my little, complaining “not wanting to’s”? I have no excuse for not wanting to run — God gave me functioning legs.  I have no excuse for not wanting to cook dinner — God has provided my family with a full pantry. I have no excuse for not wanting to do laundry — at least I have clothes for my naked body.  And so, I then feel guilty for feeling the not wanting to’s.  Oh, it’s such an emotional cycle. 

Jesus reminds me that he does understand.  That he is my fountain.  A fountain of grace in the disgraceful emotions.  

So when I am having one of those emotional weeks I know I can kneel at the feet of Jesus and just pray.  I talk it out with Him, telling Him my heart and sharing my wavering thoughts.  I know He understands.  No, it’s not theological knowledge, but it’s a conviction of the heart, rooted in scripture knowing He understands, hears and comforts. 

And you know, I think it’s okay to have a week of not wanting to. It’s normal and human.  Jesus was human, maybe he felt that way sometimes. 

So, in all my disgraceful-ness, Jesus is full of grace.  Jesus is a fountain of grace that I must humbly accept.  And I tell myself, “stop fighting it, Melissa,” He has paid the price for you. 

And so, with a humble heart and a quiet peace, I accept His grace.  And next time, I will do the same.

—Melissa

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When my heart isn’t in it

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