Through all my school years I have never been popular, exceptionally good at anything, or incredibly well-known. I am just average. I sit in the background and do all the background things. I am the so-called “secretary” who is in all the intricate details, but never the spotlight. I am from a small country town and have only lived in small country towns. Although some of those towns may be bigger than others, I have never known the life of the big city. I’m just an average Joe trying to leave a legacy in a world full of other average Joes who are trying to do the same thing.
When I went to college, I had no idea what to expect. I was hopeful for many life long friends, a husband, and to have the time of my life! I didn’t want to be average anymore; I wanted to leave a legacy.
Little did I know I would be faced with the pressure of my own insecurities every single day I was there.
I attempted from the beginning to make myself known. I wanted to do something great. So I immediately began striving to DO as much as I could and be well-known. At the Christian school I attended, I began to see I needed (in my eyes) to prove my faith by doing. Everyone was so involved with Christian things. They had faith that could move mountains and spoke in spiritual ways I had never heard. And so, the chase began and my blocks began to fall. I chased after anything I could DO to prove my Christianity. I wanted everyone to see I was an awesome, super spiritual, Christian girl.
The problem is, when I look back, I see my heart was in the wrong place. I was selfish. What I was doing wasn’t about serving others out of the overflow of my love for Christ, it was about serving my insecurities to prove myself to others. This led to a constant comparison of my life spiritually, academically, socially and physically to all others. I never was enough and I needed to prove to everyone that I could be.
Then, everything I had tried so hard to build up came crashing down. The doing was not working.
In my senior year of college I made the big leap to not do things. I walked away from leadership positions, from mission trip opportunities, and from ministry needs. Walking away was completely the opposite of what the Christian world told me, but exactly what Jesus was telling me. I needed to learn to just be. I needed to focus on my relationship with Christ instead of showing everyone else I had a relationship with Christ. It was my time to focus on me and Jesus. I grew so much and worked through so many of my own insecurities simply by letting go of the doing and ceasing to strive. Jesus showed me the importance of being with Him and not just doing in His name.
It’s important to be with Jesus so He can guide what you do. In being with Jesus I grew my prayer life and daily mutterings to the LORD. He began to show me what to do and what to be involved in. As I followed His lead, I began to rely more on Christ’s grace in my life than proving I can be a good Christian. There is nothing I can do or say to prove my love of Christ to anyone. It is simply grace that makes me a Christian and a lover of Jesus.
In all things you do, remember to BE in Jesus first.
*picture courtesy of Britney at baretribe.blogspot.com