I have found myself feeling inadequate very frequently these days. I’m not good enough pervades my thoughts more than I care to admit. I look at others and feel frustration and hurt because I tell myself, you just aren’t measuring up, and they are judging everything you do.
When I don’t feel like I’m measuring up to “everyone’s” expectations and I feel judged, I build the tallest brick walls I can manage. I keep people out on purpose, telling myself, if I don’t care or let them in, they can’t hurt me. I do my best to act like I couldn’t care less, which usually includes treating them with disdain and withdrawing. But all along, I do care. And because I end up treating others poorly, I sentence myself to even more destruction, not to mention the havoc I may wreak on them.
But today, the Holy Spirit is working over-time on my proud, lie-believing, bruised heart. Today, He has been filling me up to overflowing … or at least I can feel it almost spilling over the edge, even though it seems to be one drop at a time.
A single drop of,
“I love you.”
“You’re enough because you are mine.”
“You will never measure up, that’s why you have to give it all to me.”
Little by little He has been trying to show me and break down my walls and soften my heart.
“I love you.”
“Please trust me.”
“Stop trying to be someone else.”
Drop, drop, drop.
I don’t know if anyone responds the way I do, or ever feels like even your Christian friends think you just aren’t good enough, but if you do, I just want to let you know that we are both allowing ourselves to believe a lie. Yes, I said allowing. It’s my fault. I struggle so much with comparisons. I’ll see someone else who I think has it just a little bit better or just a little bit easier, and when Satan plants the seed of thought telling me, “yep, if you were just doing/thinking/acting/being like ______, you’d be so much better off,” I fall headlong into the trap.
I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, that at the slightest falter, I’m flat on my face, allowing myself to feel inadequate, judged, less-than and wanting to give up. I allow it.
Thankfully God doesn’t leave me alone. Every once in a while, I see the light over in a corner, and as I walk toward it, I get the blessing of seeing so much of what I tried to hide away out of hurt.
Truths that say,
God loves me.
I am a blessing to Him.
He sings over me in delight.
He will never leave me.
He has given me the Holy Spirit.
On and on the truths are like a salve to my self-inflicted wounds.
It doesn’t mean I’m cured, though. Every day I fight the feelings of inadequacy and self-pity. It’s kind of wrenchingly disgusting to think about how I can’t see the good in others because I covet what they have, instead of seeing the ways God has blessed my own life. It’s like that saying, “Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings.”
It’s so difficult, but I’m learning I can only lay down my prideful pity when I trust God’s love for me, practice gratefulness and realize I can never do anything apart from Him. He is calling me out and healing my heart, all at the same time.