girl backgroundOne day, while I was doing laundry, I walked into our bedroom and was assaulted by sex noises. I looked over to see a vulgar, completely X-rated scene of Sex and the City on my television. Two characters were actually having full-on sex (or at least the TV version of sex). They were completely naked, the shot was not cut-away, I could see their entire naked bodies engaging in sex on my bedroom television. I’m sure if anyone had been able to see me they would’ve busted a gut laughing, because when I looked over and saw that, I stopped dead in my tracks, my jaw dropped open and I heard a sound of absolute disgust coming from my mouth. I could also feel my face turn beet red and looked around to see if anyone else was in the room. Needless to say, I was scrambling for the remote.

I’m not a prude and I don’t have any problems talking about sex — wild, crazy, passionate, or just simple and subdued. But when it comes to the objectification of sex, I’m not into it. And the fact that I was embarrassed in my own home, in my own bedroom really caught me off guard.

I’m allowed to have sex. I’m in a marriage relationship and the Bible tells me I ought to have sex. So what is this feeling? Why am I so embarrassed? This cannot be how God intended sex to feel. I shouldn’t run after it with gusto just because I can, because intimacy is a lot more than sex, I understand that. But I also shouldn’t be embarrassed to talk about it or read about it (Song of Solomon, anyone?), because, in a marriage relationship, intimacy involves sex.

Later I knew I was embarrassed because, real or not, the sex on my television had nothing to do with me and had nothing to do with God. I just saw a lot of naked that wasn’t mine to see; there was nothing biblical about it. In fact, it was completely the opposite: a lie from Satan saying, “See, sex should always be fun and exciting and passionate. Who cares if you’re married or not? Get it while the getting is good and easy.”

I’m married, and these were the lies Satan was trying to tell me. How much easier is it to believe these lies as a teen? How easy is it for women today to watch that show and others, and be enraptured by this idea that sex is just sex? That there’s no commitment, no soul mingling.

On the opposite end, we’ve been told the lie that girls don’t really struggle with lust, so we don’t tend to worry much about it. Most women tend to crave intimacy more than just sex, so we bloat ourselves on chick flicks and raunchy books and expectations of Ryan Gosling being the man who loves that we knit and always wants to cuddle. We’ll watch Pride and Prejudice and The Notebook 500 times and brush off any idea that we’re lusting after something unreal and unsatisfying.

When we are intimate with someone of the opposite sex, we are drawn to them on a deep level. In past relationships, when I started to feel that movie-like connection, I compromised in other ways because I had awakened something that wasn’t ready. God created us to respond in a certain way to stimuli like that. We crave that closeness because God made us that way. So when it’s awakened before its time, it naturally leads down a path we are not ready for.


I realize a lot of girls — Christian and non-Christian — are, or have been in a situation where they’ve done things they regret.

I am one of those girls.While I might have technically been called a virgin when I got married, my heart had already committed the sin of adultery.

Don’t get me wrong, the technicality makes a tangible difference, but my sin affected me deeply on a spiritual level. It was like an ink blot. Even though I had repented, there were real-life consequences that bled into my marriage. I know that may be disappointing news for some of you, it was when God made it clear to me. I constantly struggled with validating what I’d done. I struggled with whether or not to break off the relationship I was in. I still struggle with not talking about how hot a guy is, because it hurts my husband. I struggle to not bring my chick-flick, Disney expectations into my marriage, because it will rot it from the inside out.

God really opened my eyes to see how truly detrimental lust is in a woman’s heart. Not just sexual lust, but intimate lust.

Sometimes, as good Christian girls, we fake it. We talk ourselves out of thinking we’re sinners. We tell ourselves our sin is not as bad as their sin.

That’s not a very “Christian” thing to say, but it’s true. Because we haven’t gone that far and we haven’t done that, and because we’ve been reciting Bible verses for 20+ years, we aren’t the same. Our sin is not the same … But I am. I am a sinner, an adulterous sinner, and God’s grace didn’t save me from all of the consequences of my sin. It saved me from the punishment eternally I would have sustained because of my sin. He forgave me, and then He let me experience the consequences so I could learn to walk in the Spirit instead.

“But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do … And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.” Galatians 5:16-17, 24



Of lust and intimacy

2 thoughts on “Of lust and intimacy

  1. thank you for making me understand. i have a boyfriend. we both dont want sex until we are united in marriage. but still sometimes we go to levels where we cannot control ourselves. i understand thats all not love. im trying very hard to stay pure in God. i feel very guilty when i sin and its horrible.

  2. Chinnu,

    Thank you for your honesty. I know the struggle you’re going through personally and I understand how difficult it can be to make the right decisions. Try to remember that while the feelings you have are natural, they aren’t God-honoring until you’ve tied the knot. Make that your goal — to honor God with everything, even if it means sacrifice. Pray about the decisions you should make. It could mean breaking up for a time, or setting very strict boundaries: i.e. no lights out, never alone together at night … I know that’s not fun to hear, but our relationship with God should always come first. That said, setting rules is realistically helpful, but if your heart isn’t in the right place with God, and you aren’t repenting, all the rules in the world won’t help. Pray and repent and run away from sin. It’s difficult, but you have the Holy Spirit, so it’s very possible. In the long run, the benefits will out-weigh the sacrifice.

    – Whitney

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