*Disclaimer: In case you couldn’t tell from the title, this post is about sex. As always, we’ve done our best to keep everything appropriate, but also very honest. Please read with discretion. We recommend this post to seriously dating, engaged and married women only.
We’ve only been married women for a few months now, but we’ve already confirmed that, for the most part, the media teaches absolutely everything you don’t need to know about sex. It’s easy to get a lot of bad or useless information from movies and magazines that are constantly trying to sell you something.
The following bits of advice are from Rediscovered and our wonderful married gal readers. None of us has it all together, but by sharing our findings, we can hopefully avoid some unnecessary frustrations, debunk some popular sex myths, and help each other out! Here is our list of things we didn’t know about sex before we were married:
Don’t have expectations or goals — for anything.
– Don’t expect the honeymoon to be an orgy or to master sex after the first few weeks. Let’s face it, even if you have not been pure in previous relationships, you are not going to understand your partner until you have spent time being intimate together and have communicated.
– Don’t expect to have sex a certain number of times a week (or day), or set a timeline for when you want to try different positions; oral sex, different locations, etc. We all get tired, and sometimes, we just want to cuddle. These kinds of expectations can lead to weird emotions if things don’t go as planned and actually be a detriment to your sex life.
– Do not get freaked out if nothing seems to be working right. Take the pressure off yourself and let things happen how they happen. It’s really good to make sure your fiancé or husband knows this as well.
– Don’t try for simultaneous orgasms, it just doesn’t happen that often.
– Don’t expect steamy, passionate, Lifetime movie sex. It may happen every once in a while and it will be awesome, but more often than not, it might be like, “Hey, wanna have sex?” “Sure.” Or something like that. We’re not saying don’t aim for it, just don’t build up your expectations to be unreachable.
– All in all, sex is amazing. Definitely a God-created and -given gift. However, it’s going to be a new, trial and error, awkward experience at first. So cut yourself and your husband some slack and just try to enjoy it! You may even laugh a little ;).
No one’s in your bedroom with you.
– There are no Olympic judges. Don’t worry about doing everything right. You’re not being scored. You’ll both learn together.
– If you have a problem with feeling like God’s watching you in a condemning way, talk about it, to God and your husband. He created it for our pleasure and because we’ve been taught by the Church to think that sex is bad and then suddenly change to think it’s awesome in marriage, it will be a difficult transition.
Guys do not want it all the time.
– Guys’ appetites are insatiable and you will constantly be pushing him off of you … yeah, right. That is just not true. Sometimes your husband has a lower sex drive than you, and it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t desire you or that you have a lack of connection. It doesn’t mean you need to track down a tutorial on raunchy moves to get him interested. It could mean his testosterone is low, he’s just tired, or maybe even distracted by something going on in his day-to-day. You are still beautiful and he still wants you. Take those opportunities to bond in different ways and stop thinking he’s not attracted to you.
Sex is awkward and sometimes painful at first.
– There’s nothing wrong with you if you still feel awkward after a month or two, and there’s nothing wrong with you if it hurts more than just the first few times. Give yourself and your body time to adjust. Experiment with angles, positions and lubricants (and use lots of lubricant). Put a pillow under your lower back and try to relax your body. This is a big change for you and your girl-parts, so don’t make it worse by expecting everything to be perfect.
– Be vocal if you are hurting. Tell him. He loves you and wants to please you just as much as you want to please him. If he is caring and godly, he will stop and help you and even give you as much time as you need to adapt.
Things will change. They just will.
– Marriage and sex somehow mystically change things and I can’t explain how. I can almost guarantee that you will feel differently about sex when you’re married than you did when you were single.
– Sex is way more natural, and part of everyday life than you think it is. It is also more of a relational connection. It’s not just you and your husband doing an act. It really is like glue that unites you to your husband on an incredibly deep level. Your relationship will change after sex, which is usually a good thing. We can see in our marriages that sex has made us more vulnerable with our husbands (and vice versa) than we’ve ever been with anyone, even our best friends. There is a trust and connection there that only you and your husband can understand.
The guy you are having sex with is the same guy you fell in love with.
– He doesn’t change just because you’re married or naked or in bed together. That’s usually a good thing. If he’s a godly man, he’s not going to pressure you to do things you’re not comfortable with, he’s not going to become some sex animal, and he’s not going to display characteristics that he never had before.
– On the flip side, if you’ve seen characteristics in him that you wouldn’t want to see in the bedroom (controlling, demanding, putting lust over love), be assured that those characteristics won’t change either and think carefully about the man you want to marry.
Movies get it wrong.
– There’s not some fluid, uninterrupted movement from foreplay to sex to pillow talk. There are way more logistics to sex than I ever imagined before I got married. There’s lubricant and birth control, towels and covers, lights and phones ringing. Then, after sex you don’t just lay there and cuddle for hours. You go to the bathroom, you clean up, you may shower off, then you crawl back into bed and have pillow talk. This isn’t a bad thing at all, it just means sex is a part of everyday life. It’s a reality, not a movie script.
Let’s be blunt.
– An erect penis is just flat-out way bigger than any tampon you’ve ever used, yes, even the super pluses. Your body will not be prepared for sex the first time unless you intentionally prepare it. Stretching yourself and preparing your body is not wrong. Ready for suggestions? Please don’t freak out. Dr. Kevin Leman in his book Sheet Music suggests stretching yourself out one finger at a time. Start with one finger and get comfortable with it being inside you. When you are ready, try two fingers, then three.
– Another tip: use lubricant or jelly on your fingers — the kind that you plan on using for sex. This will not only help with stretching, but it will also get you and your body more comfortable with using it.
– There are many different kinds of lubricants, including edible, sensitive, hot and cold … we would recommend KY sensitive jelly to begin with. Jelly lubricants tend to be thicker than other kinds. You can use less and apply less often.
– Make whatever choices you want concerning how to prepare your body, just know that, while it’s a little awkward and even embarrassing, it’s not wrong. At the same time, some women struggle with masturbation and lust. If this is something you struggle with, we would not recommend this type of preparation and would encourage you to talk with a counselor and of course seek scripture and prayer.
Sex can get icky.
– While we’re being blunt, let’s just go ahead and lay it out there that icky stuff is involved with sex. If you use a lube or jelly, it will be on your hands and probably the sheets and you. Also, there may be a little blood from you during the first times you have sex. Stretching REALLY helps this. Instead of forcing a very large object through at the beginning, you are gradually working up to it.
– Also, there will probably be ejaculation fluid. Condoms will contain most of this, but if you aren’t using them, it will be there. Our recommendation is to keep a towel handy. One solution may be to make a bed-side table or dresser drawer just for condoms, lubes, a towel, etc.
We cannot repeat enough:
– We’re told by society that having sex once a week or even once every other week is only a trait of sad, older couples who have let family and work life take away their passion. Don’t listen! These preconceived notions make us fret until sex becomes such a big deal that we make it an idol.
– Everyone has their idea of what is frequent and what is normal. Just be patient, try to forget your expectations, and know that you are beautiful and loved.
– Not having sex every day does not mean he is not attracted to you. He married you didn’t he?
He will be more understanding than you can imagine.
– I have never seen my husband put more thought into anything he’s done for me like our first night together. I was completely exhausted from the build-up of wedding stress and when I was scared and self-conscious and unsure, he spoke gently, listened, asked questions and was reassuring the entire time.
– Cut him some slack and communicate your fears and insecurities.
*Note from Erin and Whitney: We strongly suggest the book Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman for engaged and married couples. Dr. Leman is a Christian psychiatrist, so the book is blunt as well as Biblical. For engaged couples, there are several chapters on preparing your mind and body for sex and for married couples there is advice, thoughts and answers on pretty much anything pertaining to the bedroom.
– Whitney, Erin and contributions from Rediscovered readers